He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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