You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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