Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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