Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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