Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
