hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
