Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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