im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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