I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
