I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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