yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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