so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
