i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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