I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
