Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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