whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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