woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
