Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
