apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize