I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
