I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
