Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
