My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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