the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize