When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
