Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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