dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
