I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
