Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
