I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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