Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
