how can u be prego again
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize