i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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