You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
