this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
