Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
