I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
