Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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