So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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