I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
