So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
