I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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