Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
