You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
