Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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