Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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