Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
