Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
