There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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