Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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