Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
