She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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