...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
