woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
