boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
