i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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