I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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